Jokes Page 7

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Do you know what type of lights Noah had installed on the Ark?
Flood Lights

One cow looked at another cow and asked 'Have you heard about the new mad cow disease going around.?'
The other cow answered, 'What do I care? I'm a helicopter.'

There was a little mouse in his little hole in the wall. The one day that he really wanted to take a walk, a huge cat was right at his step. The little mouse was so upset that he couldn't leave.

While he was trying to figure it out he heard a dog barking 'Ruf, Ruf'.

That's when he got a great thought. He said to himself, 'Where there is a dog there is no cat and where there's no cat, I can go for a walk.'

So he strutted on out of his hole. All of a sudden the cat grabbed the mouse chewed him up and ate him. Then the cat said, 'WOW, it's great to be bilingual!'

Why I'm so tired...

For a couple years I've been blaming it on iron poor blood, lack of vitamins, exercise, dieting and a dozen other maladies. But now I found out the real reason -

I'm tired because I'm overworked. Let me explain...

• The population of the United Stated is 239 million. 106 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.
• There are 83 million who are underage or still in school, and 30 people who are still working on their PhD's since the 50's, which leave 49.99997 million to do the work.
• Four million, four hundred ninety nine thousand, nine hundred seventy are in the Armed Forces, which leaves forty five and a half million to do the work.
• Of this there are 29.4 million employed by the federal government. This leaves 18.5 million to do the work. Half that many work for State and City Governments, and leaving 1,400,000 to do the work.
• Now, there are 895,798 people in prisons, so that leaves 504,202 to do the work.
• There are 504,200 people being treated in hospitals, at doctor appointments, or on sick leave today. That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

...and you're sitting there playing around on the internet.

A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle. "It`s for my husband," she tells the clerk.

"Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk.

"Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn`t even know that I`m going to shoot him!"

It's a regular class at a university. Forum type, 300 to 400 students. The teacher is notoriously nasty with people who are tardy and he has a policy that when he says, 'STOP,' you stop taking your exam. Well one day he yells STOP! All the students stop and turn their tests in, except for one student. So the teacher thinks, 'OK, I'll let him keep going to waste his time.'

So five minutes pass and the late student walks up and tries to turn in his paper. But the professor says: Sorry I can't take your paper.

Student: Why not?
Professor: Because you're late.
Student: (angrily) Do you know who I am?
Professor: (looks at the student) No.
Student: (Raises his voice) Do you know who I AM?
Professor: (acting nonchalantly) No.

So the student grabs the stacks of tests, shoves his tests in the middle of the pile and walks off.

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