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Thanks to Viswa Sravan for these jokes.

"Hey Karthik, got some jokes - if you like them post them on your site!!"

Actual English Subtitles Used In Hong Kong Films Part 1

The following are actual English subtitles seen in films from Hong Kong.

  1. I am darn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.
  2. Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.
  3. Gun wounds again?
  4. Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.
  5. A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries.
  6. Darn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken.
  7. Take my advice, or I'll spank you a lot.
  8. Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?
  9. This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum. I am sure you will not mind that I remove your toenails and leave them out on the dessert floor for ants to eat.
  10. Quiet or I'll blow your throat up.
  11. I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!

Actual English Subtitles Used In Hong Kong Films Part 2

  1. You daring lousy guy.
  2. Beat him out of recognizable shape!
  3. Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your doctor for a thorough extermination.
  4. I have been scared silly too much lately.
  5. I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair!
  6. Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.
  7. The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?
  8. How can you use my intestines as a gift?
  9. Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a team up together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate feats on some butt of the giant lizard person.
  10. You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken.

10 Ways I Know I've Had Too Much Coffee...

  1. Saw elephants
  2. Tried to catch said elephants
  3. Disco danced around my cubicle at work
  4. Had to re-mortgage the house to buy more expresso
  5. Bartender told me I'd had enough
  6. Heard sloshing sounds when I walked
  7. Shook too much to hook up the coffee IV
  8. Supported the other half of the Colombian GNP
  9. Been to the John 15 times in the last 30 minutes
  10. Seizures are starting to affect my driving.

10 Rejected Flavors Of Kool-Aid

  1. Drunkenberry Punch
  2. Strawberry Escargo
  3. Tastes Like Teen Spirit
  4. Toxic Yellow Surprise
  5. Roadkill Red
  6. Rocka-fishy Tuna
  7. Chocolate Fudge Ripple
  8. Picklejuice
  9. Shrimp Cocktail
  10. Sea Monkeys

A young couple were having their first fight, and it was a big one. After a while, the husband said "When we got married, you promised to love, honor and obey."
His bride replied, "I know. But I didn't want to start an argument in front of all those people at the wedding."

Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man screamed for help. A trout fisherman ran up. The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars."

The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore.

Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where's my hundred dollars?"

The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law."

The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How much do I owe you?"

A Congressman was once asked about his attitude toward whiskey. "If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it.

But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it. This is my position, and I will not compromise.

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

"Only one kiss per yard, " replied the smirking male clerk.

"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards." With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly. The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.

Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?
Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.
Judge: Can't they do without you at work?
Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.

The Psychic Hotline

A boy frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and his Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog is thrilled, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?

"No," says his Advisor, "in her biology class."

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