A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said, 'That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen.' In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. 'The bus driver insulted me.' she fumed. The man sympathized and said: 'Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers.' 'You're right.' She said. 'I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind.' 'That's a good idea,' the man said. 'Here, let me hold your monkey.'
A man was driving down the road and there was a road block. Police officers were walking and telling people what was going on. The police man finally got to the man and said, 'O.J. Simpson just heard the verdict and is threatening to cover himself in gasoline and burn himself to death and he said he wont have any money left and we're going around collecting donations.' The man said 'How much do you have so far?' The police man said, '10 gallons.'
A minister has just died and is standing on line waiting to be judged and admitted to Heaven. While waiting he asks the man in front of him about himself. "I'm a taxi driver from Noo Youk Cidy." Suddenly the angel standing at the gate calls out next, and the taxi driver steps up. The angel hands him a golden staff and a cornucopia of fruits, cheeses and wine and lets him pass. The taxi driver is quite pleased, and proceeds through the gates. Next, the minister steps up to the angel and the angel hands him a wooden staff and some bread and water. The minister is very concerned and asks the angel, "That guy is a taxi driver and gets a golden staff and a cornucopia! I spend my entire life as a minister and get nothing! How can that be?"
The angel replies, "Up here we judge on results, all of your people sleep through your sermons, in his taxi, they pray."
Bill Gates is hanging out with the chairman of General Motors.
'If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades,' boasts Gates, 'you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour,' says Gates.
'Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50,' he continues.
In response to all this goading, the GM chairman replies, 'Yes, but would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?'
A thief stuck a pistol in a gentleman's ribs and said, 'Give me your money.' The gentleman shocked by the sudden attack said, 'You cannot do this, I am a congressman.'
The thief said, 'In that case, give me my money.'
The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day.
As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!
At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, 'You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?' The Lord sighed, and said, 'No, I guess not.'
Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE! St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, 'Why did you let him do that?'
The Lord smiled and replied, 'Who's he going to tell?'