Jokes Page 1

6 ways to catch a lion

  1. Newton's method: Let the lion catch you. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Implies, you caught the lion.
  2. Einstein's method: Run in the direction opposite to that of the lion. Due to higher relative velocity,the lion will also run fast and will get tired. Now, you can trap him easily.
  3. Schrodinger's method: At any given moment, there is a positive probability of the lion to be in the cage. That's it. Set the trap, sit down and wait.
  4. Inverse transformation method: We place a spherical cage in the forest and enter it. Perform an inverse transformation with respect to the lion. Lion is in, we are out.
  5. Thermodynamic method: Construct a semi-permeable membrane which does not allow anything to pass through it except Lions. Then sweep the entire forest with it.
  6. Integration/differential method: First integrate the forest over the entire area. The lion is somewhere in the result. Then differentiate the result PARTIALLY w.r.t. the lion to trace out the lion.

This crook mistakenly made a counterfeit $8 bill instead of a $10 bill. He decided to try getting the $8 bill changed so he went to the teller at the local bank and asked for change. The teller looked at the $8 bill, hesitated and then gave the crook two $4 bills as change.

50 Actual Newspaper Headlines (collected by actual journalists)

  1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
  2. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
  3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
  4. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
  5. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
  6. Farmer Bill Dies in House
  7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
  8. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
  9. Stud Tires Out
  10. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
  11. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
  12. Soviet Virgin Islands Short of Goal Again
  13. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
  14. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
  15. Eye Drops off Shelf
  16. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
  17. Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
  18. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
  19. Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
  20. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax
  21. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
  22. Miners Refuse to Work after Death
  23. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
  24. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
  25. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
  26. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
  27. Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
  28. Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
  29. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in '84
  30. War Dims Hope for Peace
  31. If Strike isn't settled quickly, It May Last a While
  32. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
  33. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
  34. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
  35. Deer Kill 17,000
  36. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
  37. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
  38. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
  39. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
  40. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
  41. Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
  42. Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
  43. British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
  44. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
  45. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
  46. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
  47. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
  48. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
  49. Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
  50. Air Head Fired

Toilet Limerick

Here I sit,
all broken-hearted.
Tried to shit,
but only farted.
All I want,
is but to linger...
look out ass,
here comes my finger.

An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up.

This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow. He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him.

"So, you've been out drinking again!!"

"What makes you say that?" he asks as he puts on an innocent look.

"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."

The following are actual excerpts from classified sections of city newspapers.

  1. Illiterate? Write today for free help.
  2. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
  3. Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals and smacks included.
  4. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
  5. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
  6. Stock up and save. Limit: one.
  7. Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
  8. 3 year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
  9. Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
  10. Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
  11. Dinner Special - Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00
  12. For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
  13. Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
  14. We do not tear your clothing by machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
  15. For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
  16. Great Dames for sale.
  17. Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
  18. Tired of cleaning yourself. Let me do it.

These individual quotes were reportedly taken from actual employee performance evaluations in a large US Corporation.

  1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom... and has started to dig."
  2. "His men would follow him anywhere,... but only out of morbid curiosity."
  3. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
  4. "This employee is really not so much of a 'has-been', but more of a definite 'won't-be'."
  5. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
  6. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
  7. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
  8. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
  9. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
  10. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
  11. "This employee should go far... and the sooner he starts, the better."
  12. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together."
  13. "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
  14. "He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless."
  15. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
  16. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
  17. "He's been working with glue too much."
  18. "He would argue with a signpost."
  19. "He has a knack for making strangers immediately."
  20. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
  21. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
  22. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored... he's the other one."
  23. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
  24. "A prime candidate for natural deselection."
  25. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
  26. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
  27. "Has two brains - one is lost, and the other is out looking for it."
  28. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
  29. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
  30. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the oceans."
  31. "It's hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm to the egg."
  32. "One neuron short of a synapse."
  33. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge - he only gargled."
  34. "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes."
  35. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."