Jokes Page 1
6 ways to catch a lion
- Newton's method: Let the lion catch you. For every action
there is an equal and opposite reaction. Implies, you
caught the lion.
- Einstein's method: Run in the direction opposite to that
of the lion. Due to higher relative velocity,the lion
will also run fast and will get tired. Now, you can trap
- Schrodinger's method: At any given moment, there is a
positive probability of the lion to be in the cage.
That's it. Set the trap, sit down and wait.
- Inverse transformation method: We place a spherical cage
in the forest and enter it. Perform an inverse
transformation with respect to the lion. Lion is in, we
- Thermodynamic method: Construct a semi-permeable membrane
which does not allow anything to pass through it except
Lions. Then sweep the entire forest with it.
- Integration/differential method: First integrate the
forest over the entire area. The lion is somewhere in the
result. Then differentiate the result PARTIALLY w.r.t.
the lion to trace out the lion.
This crook mistakenly made a counterfeit $8 bill
instead of a $10 bill. He decided to try getting the $8 bill
changed so he went to the teller at the local bank and asked for
change. The teller looked at the $8 bill, hesitated and then gave
the crook two $4 bills as change.
50 Actual Newspaper Headlines
(collected by actual journalists)
- Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
- Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
- Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
- Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
- Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
- Farmer Bill Dies in House
- Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
- Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
- Stud Tires Out
- Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
- Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
- Soviet Virgin Islands Short of Goal Again
- British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
- Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
- Eye Drops off Shelf
- Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
- Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
- Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
- Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
- Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax
- Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
- Miners Refuse to Work after Death
- Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
- Stolen Painting Found by Tree
- Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
- Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
- Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
- Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
- Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in '84
- War Dims Hope for Peace
- If Strike isn't settled quickly, It May Last a While
- Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
- Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
- Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
- Deer Kill 17,000
- Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
- Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
- New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
- Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
- Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
- Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
- Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
- British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
- Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
- Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
- Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
- New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
- Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
- Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
- Air Head Fired
Here I sit,
Tried to shit,
but only farted.
All I want,
is but to linger...
look out ass,
here comes my finger.
An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender
finally says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up
to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more
time, same result. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some
fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he
decides to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrives at
the door he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls
through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he
tries one more time to stand up.
This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly
falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits
the pillow. He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over
him shouting at him.
"So, you've been out drinking again!!"
"What makes you say that?" he asks as he puts on an
"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there
The following are actual excerpts from classified
sections of city newspapers.
- Illiterate? Write today for free help.
- Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us
once, you'll never go anywhere again.
- Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced
yard, meals and smacks included.
- Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
- Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing
- Stock up and save. Limit: one.
- Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
- 3 year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience
- Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round
bottom for efficient beating.
- Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head
illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
- Dinner Special - Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25;
- For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs
and large drawers.
- Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an
extra pair to take home, too.
- We do not tear your clothing by machinery. We do it
carefully by hand.
- For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
- Great Dames for sale.
- Have several very old dresses from grandmother in
- Tired of cleaning yourself. Let me do it.
These individual quotes were reportedly
taken from actual employee performance evaluations in a large US
- "Since my last report, this employee has reached
rock bottom... and has started to dig."
- "His men would follow him anywhere,... but only out
of morbid curiosity."
- "I would not allow this employee to breed."
- "This employee is really not so much of a
'has-been', but more of a definite 'won't-be'."
- "Works well when under constant supervision and
cornered like a rat in a trap."
- "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only
to change feet."
- "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot
- "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
- "He sets low personal standards and then
consistently fails to achieve them."
- "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of
- "This employee should go far... and the sooner he
starts, the better."
- "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to
hold it all together."
- "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an
- "He certainly takes a long time to make his
- "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
- "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
- "He's been working with glue too much."
- "He would argue with a signpost."
- "He has a knack for making strangers
- "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the
- "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
- "If you see two people talking and one looks
bored... he's the other one."
- "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued
- "A prime candidate for natural deselection."
- "Donated his brain to science before he was done
- "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the
train isn't coming."
- "Has two brains - one is lost, and the other is out
looking for it."
- "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered
twice a week."
- "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get
- "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the
- "It's hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other
sperm to the egg."
- "One neuron short of a synapse."
- "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge - he only
- "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes."
- "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is