Computer Jokes

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Just in case you think you are TC ("Technologically Challenged"), the following is an excerpt from an article in the Wall Street Journal:

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" becuse of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.
2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on.  The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes.  The customer had stuck labels on the diskettes, then rolled them into his typewriter to type on the labels.
4. Another customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes.  A few days later, a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the floppies.
5. A Dell technician advised a customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door.  The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.
6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything.  After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the tech discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor and hitting the "send" key.
7. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked.  He had cleaned it up by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.
8. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid".  The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.
9. A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents.  He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer".  The user had tried turning the computer screen to face the printer, but that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.
10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell computer to turn on.  After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button.  Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happened."  The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.
11. Another customer called Compaq Tech Support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work.  She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen.  When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, "What power switch?"
12. True story from a Novell NetWare SysOp:
    
    Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
    Tech: "Yes, it is.  How may I help you?"
    Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period.  How do I go about getting that fixed?"
    Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
    Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
    Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am.  Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show?"
    Caller: "It came with my computer.  I don't know anything about a promotional.  It just has '4X' on it."
    
    At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it.  He was laughing too hard.  The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!
13. Another IBM customer had trouble installing software and rang for support.  "I put in the first disk, and that was OK.  It said to put in the second disk, and I had some problems with that disk.  When it said to put in the third disk - I couldn't even fit it in."  The user hadn't realised that "Insert Disk 2" meant to remove Disk 1 first.

THERE NOW, DON'T YOU FEEL BETTER!

'Hello, Welch Hall, computer assistant; may I help you?'

'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'

'What sort of trouble?'

'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'

'Went away?'

'They disappeared.'

'Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?'

'Nothing.'

'Nothing?'

'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'

'Are you still in WordPerfect or did you get out?'

'How do I tell?'

[Uh-Oh. Well, let's give it a try anyway.] 'Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?'

'What's a sea prompt?'

[Uh-huh. I thought so. Let's try a different tactic.] 'Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen.'

'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'

[Ah, a least he/she knows what a cursor is. Sounds like a hardware problem. I wonder if he/she kicked out his/her monitor's power plug.] 'Does your monitor have a power indicator?

'What's a monitor?'

'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?'

'I don't know.'

'Well, then look at the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?'

[Sound of rustling and jostling] [Muffled] 'Yes, I think so.'

'Great! Follow the cord to the plug and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.'

[Pause] 'Yes, it is.'

[Hmm. Well, that's interesting. I doubt he/she would have accidentally turned it off, and I don't want to send him/her hunting for the power switch because I don't know what kind of monitor he/she has and it's bound to have more than one switch on it. Maybe the video cable is loose or something.] 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cable plugged into the back of it, not just one?'

'No.'

'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'

[Muffled] 'Okay, here it is.'

'Follow it for me and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'

[Still muffled] 'I can't reach it.'

'Uh-huh. Well, can you see if it is?'

[Clear again] 'No.'

'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?'

'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.'

'Dark?'

'Yes - the office light is off and the only light I have is coming from the window.'

'Well, turn on the office light then.'

'I can't.'

'No? Why not?'

'Because there's a power outage.'

A power !@#$%^&*!?!'...[AAAAAAAARGH!!!] 'A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?'

'Well, yes, I kept them in the closet.'

'Good! Go get them, unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'

'Really? Is it that bad?'

'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'

'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?'

'Tell them you're TOO STUPID TO OWN A COMPUTER!!!'

[Slam]

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